????

I don’t even know how to begin this.
But then again, do I ever really know?
I’m sorry.
Did I ever tell you that I love you more than the sweetest breath?
I wake up every unsteady morning thinking
that today I will have to hold you close
for the very last time and whisper regretfully, while holding back
an ocean full of agonizingly despondent tears
“I’m sorry. But I have to go now.”
I know it’s coming.
I can feel the howling, artic wind
changing its course
carrying you further and further
like a brittle leaf
away from me.
I know it’s coming.
But I can’t do anything about it.
When did I become so helpless.
Forgive the tears on your shirt, my One.
My Only.
But my heart is breaking.
A glass shell that’s shattering into a million unsubstantial pieces
never to be seen again.
And here I thought I was healing.
Silly me.
I remember when I was younger
I prayed to God
that one day He would bless me with someone who would
respect me
make me laugh
make me comfortable
be smart
like me for me
and here you are.
With me.
God repaired every single part of me
that time
self doubt
self hate
and utter loneliness
had obliterated
with you.
After all these years.
And now
He’s taking you away.
Would you think me pathetic
if I said I don’t understand why
Or if I said
I couldn’t bear saying goodbye.
I’m sorry for being so weak.
You deserve someone so much better than me.
Yet I can’t help but feel
the most intense, acute love I have ever felt
when I look at pictures of
You and Me.
I pray for you.
Did you know that?
I ask that He keep you safe.
That you get everything you wish for.
That one day you’ll find the most incredible happiness.
I hope that if He won’t answer my pleads for my own ecstasy
that He’ll answer the ones that concern you.
I want nothing else
than to see you happy
because that, truthfully, above all else
makes me happy.
But alas.
I am selfish.
I don’t want to imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
I can’t imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
A world in which you want to belong to someone else.
It wouldn’t be a world at all.
It would just be like a once beautiful garden
that withered away from
neglect
misery
and desolation.
She would have nothing but her deformities.
And no one would consider her beautiful.
Ever again.
Oh, forgive me.
I wish I could be more like you.
Kinder.
More thoughtful.
More wonderful.
I wish I had that presence that you have
the kind where it makes people want to fall into your arms.
I know that’s what I wanted to do when I realized I cared for you.
You’re so unselfish.
I often wonder why I can’t be like that.
I want to be my best for you.
I want to be everything you ever wanted.
But I realize that I am not.
And I doubt I ever will be.
And for that, I’m sorry.
I am so sorry.
I have failed you.
What will I do when I can’t see you.
Or talk to you.
Ever again.
The anguish will eat me alive.
Slowly.
More and more each day.
But I think the hardest part
is that when I sail away
my breath will leave my chest
and you will have forgotten about me.
Burying my memory deep into your subconscious.
And there I will remain.
Never to ascend again.

The writer writes.
The artist draws.

The writer reads.
The artist watches.

The writer depends on words.
The artist depends on shapes.

The writer uses letters.
The artist uses color.

I feel so much sorrow, my lack of artistic talents reflect upon my own life.
I wish I could express my thoughts and feelings into pictures.. into shapes and color.
But I cannot, I'm only a writer.
I'm a shapeshifter of words.
I'm an expression of letters.
I'm a shadow behind the page.

The artist hogs the spotlight, takes away the observants.
I lay in wait, looking for someone to comment, fav, or even take I liking into my poetry and stories.
I want to have the spotlight, to be the best... the best word shifter.. the best writer.

My sorrow continues on, for the artist is always on the light.
I'm forced to wait in shadow until my words become known.
For now.. I shall wait.. until someone dodges the artist... and comes to me...

Sitting, thinking in my room;
Fantasizing about my doom.
Swimming in the pain I drink -
I'm soo goth; or so I think.

Middle class, unbroken home,
Loving family, but I'm all alone.
Childhood filled with toys and parks,
But that's all gone; now I'm dark.

I hate happy, pink and soft -
I'm so black, yes I'm soo goth.
All my hopes and dreams discard -
They can't take a life this hard.

Straight A student, perfect teeth,
Beautiful outside, but not beneath.
Perfect's not good enough you see
When deep down you're goth like me.

I'm crying,
Just like yesterday,
I can't help it,
I know everyone thinks i'm always happy and cheery,

But they don't know the real me,
Or the pain I try to hide everyday,
Sometimes when I'm alone they coe,
Streaming down my cheeks like raindrops,

I try to be brave but its too hard,
Sometimes I feel so lost and so cold,
Rearely does a day past without me feeling so lost and rejected,
People surround me but still they can't take away the pain or loneliness i have,

No one ever understands me,
But you understand me don't you?
My false happy smiles don't fool you,
Nor my fake laughs,

You can see right through my defences,
Looking at my heart and soul,
You could strip away each layer of defence I have,
Till the last layer and you can see why,
Whenever I cry,

Your're always there,
I don't know what to do,
All these strange feelings swimming round and round,
Your touch is soft like an angel,

Whenever you're here,
I can't cry nor feel any pain,
Nor do I feel rejected and lost,
Its just like you said,

'I will always be there.'

Hide from your cruelty
Try to hide for days
Hide from your lies
Your evil ways
Hunting me
Stalking me
Leave me be
Constantly beating me
Oh please set me free

I'm crying
Stop
I can't take the pain
Save me,
Save me from this torture
Before I go insane
You tell me to get up
So you can push me down once more
What do you get out of this?
What is this for?

I can beat you
I can overcome this fear
I can try to destroy you after all these years
But why is it so hard to say goodbye
To let you go?
Oh why, oh why can't I leave you
My sweet Sorrow?

"Hello"

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

im inside....

"Hey goth girl
What's your damage?
Why are you such a freak?"
Goth girl has no name to them
She is simply an image
A stereotype
Someone to laugh at
Doesn't goth girl have feelings?
Can't she be hurt like everyone else?
People would know if they weren't so scared
Goth girl scares people with how she looks
Makes them feel uneasy
Goth girl is different from them
She doesn't judge them
She doesn't laugh at them
(Too much)
Because goth girl is better than that
Better than them
People would know if they talked to her.