????

I don’t even know how to begin this.
But then again, do I ever really know?
I’m sorry.
Did I ever tell you that I love you more than the sweetest breath?
I wake up every unsteady morning thinking
that today I will have to hold you close
for the very last time and whisper regretfully, while holding back
an ocean full of agonizingly despondent tears
“I’m sorry. But I have to go now.”
I know it’s coming.
I can feel the howling, artic wind
changing its course
carrying you further and further
like a brittle leaf
away from me.
I know it’s coming.
But I can’t do anything about it.
When did I become so helpless.
Forgive the tears on your shirt, my One.
My Only.
But my heart is breaking.
A glass shell that’s shattering into a million unsubstantial pieces
never to be seen again.
And here I thought I was healing.
Silly me.
I remember when I was younger
I prayed to God
that one day He would bless me with someone who would
respect me
make me laugh
make me comfortable
be smart
like me for me
and here you are.
With me.
God repaired every single part of me
that time
self doubt
self hate
and utter loneliness
had obliterated
with you.
After all these years.
And now
He’s taking you away.
Would you think me pathetic
if I said I don’t understand why
Or if I said
I couldn’t bear saying goodbye.
I’m sorry for being so weak.
You deserve someone so much better than me.
Yet I can’t help but feel
the most intense, acute love I have ever felt
when I look at pictures of
You and Me.
I pray for you.
Did you know that?
I ask that He keep you safe.
That you get everything you wish for.
That one day you’ll find the most incredible happiness.
I hope that if He won’t answer my pleads for my own ecstasy
that He’ll answer the ones that concern you.
I want nothing else
than to see you happy
because that, truthfully, above all else
makes me happy.
But alas.
I am selfish.
I don’t want to imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
I can’t imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
A world in which you want to belong to someone else.
It wouldn’t be a world at all.
It would just be like a once beautiful garden
that withered away from
neglect
misery
and desolation.
She would have nothing but her deformities.
And no one would consider her beautiful.
Ever again.
Oh, forgive me.
I wish I could be more like you.
Kinder.
More thoughtful.
More wonderful.
I wish I had that presence that you have
the kind where it makes people want to fall into your arms.
I know that’s what I wanted to do when I realized I cared for you.
You’re so unselfish.
I often wonder why I can’t be like that.
I want to be my best for you.
I want to be everything you ever wanted.
But I realize that I am not.
And I doubt I ever will be.
And for that, I’m sorry.
I am so sorry.
I have failed you.
What will I do when I can’t see you.
Or talk to you.
Ever again.
The anguish will eat me alive.
Slowly.
More and more each day.
But I think the hardest part
is that when I sail away
my breath will leave my chest
and you will have forgotten about me.
Burying my memory deep into your subconscious.
And there I will remain.
Never to ascend again.