????

I don’t even know how to begin this.
But then again, do I ever really know?
I’m sorry.
Did I ever tell you that I love you more than the sweetest breath?
I wake up every unsteady morning thinking
that today I will have to hold you close
for the very last time and whisper regretfully, while holding back
an ocean full of agonizingly despondent tears
“I’m sorry. But I have to go now.”
I know it’s coming.
I can feel the howling, artic wind
changing its course
carrying you further and further
like a brittle leaf
away from me.
I know it’s coming.
But I can’t do anything about it.
When did I become so helpless.
Forgive the tears on your shirt, my One.
My Only.
But my heart is breaking.
A glass shell that’s shattering into a million unsubstantial pieces
never to be seen again.
And here I thought I was healing.
Silly me.
I remember when I was younger
I prayed to God
that one day He would bless me with someone who would
respect me
make me laugh
make me comfortable
be smart
like me for me
and here you are.
With me.
God repaired every single part of me
that time
self doubt
self hate
and utter loneliness
had obliterated
with you.
After all these years.
And now
He’s taking you away.
Would you think me pathetic
if I said I don’t understand why
Or if I said
I couldn’t bear saying goodbye.
I’m sorry for being so weak.
You deserve someone so much better than me.
Yet I can’t help but feel
the most intense, acute love I have ever felt
when I look at pictures of
You and Me.
I pray for you.
Did you know that?
I ask that He keep you safe.
That you get everything you wish for.
That one day you’ll find the most incredible happiness.
I hope that if He won’t answer my pleads for my own ecstasy
that He’ll answer the ones that concern you.
I want nothing else
than to see you happy
because that, truthfully, above all else
makes me happy.
But alas.
I am selfish.
I don’t want to imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
I can’t imagine a world in which
you belong to someone else.
A world in which you want to belong to someone else.
It wouldn’t be a world at all.
It would just be like a once beautiful garden
that withered away from
neglect
misery
and desolation.
She would have nothing but her deformities.
And no one would consider her beautiful.
Ever again.
Oh, forgive me.
I wish I could be more like you.
Kinder.
More thoughtful.
More wonderful.
I wish I had that presence that you have
the kind where it makes people want to fall into your arms.
I know that’s what I wanted to do when I realized I cared for you.
You’re so unselfish.
I often wonder why I can’t be like that.
I want to be my best for you.
I want to be everything you ever wanted.
But I realize that I am not.
And I doubt I ever will be.
And for that, I’m sorry.
I am so sorry.
I have failed you.
What will I do when I can’t see you.
Or talk to you.
Ever again.
The anguish will eat me alive.
Slowly.
More and more each day.
But I think the hardest part
is that when I sail away
my breath will leave my chest
and you will have forgotten about me.
Burying my memory deep into your subconscious.
And there I will remain.
Never to ascend again.

The writer writes.
The artist draws.

The writer reads.
The artist watches.

The writer depends on words.
The artist depends on shapes.

The writer uses letters.
The artist uses color.

I feel so much sorrow, my lack of artistic talents reflect upon my own life.
I wish I could express my thoughts and feelings into pictures.. into shapes and color.
But I cannot, I'm only a writer.
I'm a shapeshifter of words.
I'm an expression of letters.
I'm a shadow behind the page.

The artist hogs the spotlight, takes away the observants.
I lay in wait, looking for someone to comment, fav, or even take I liking into my poetry and stories.
I want to have the spotlight, to be the best... the best word shifter.. the best writer.

My sorrow continues on, for the artist is always on the light.
I'm forced to wait in shadow until my words become known.
For now.. I shall wait.. until someone dodges the artist... and comes to me...

Sitting, thinking in my room;
Fantasizing about my doom.
Swimming in the pain I drink -
I'm soo goth; or so I think.

Middle class, unbroken home,
Loving family, but I'm all alone.
Childhood filled with toys and parks,
But that's all gone; now I'm dark.

I hate happy, pink and soft -
I'm so black, yes I'm soo goth.
All my hopes and dreams discard -
They can't take a life this hard.

Straight A student, perfect teeth,
Beautiful outside, but not beneath.
Perfect's not good enough you see
When deep down you're goth like me.

I'm crying,
Just like yesterday,
I can't help it,
I know everyone thinks i'm always happy and cheery,

But they don't know the real me,
Or the pain I try to hide everyday,
Sometimes when I'm alone they coe,
Streaming down my cheeks like raindrops,

I try to be brave but its too hard,
Sometimes I feel so lost and so cold,
Rearely does a day past without me feeling so lost and rejected,
People surround me but still they can't take away the pain or loneliness i have,

No one ever understands me,
But you understand me don't you?
My false happy smiles don't fool you,
Nor my fake laughs,

You can see right through my defences,
Looking at my heart and soul,
You could strip away each layer of defence I have,
Till the last layer and you can see why,
Whenever I cry,

Your're always there,
I don't know what to do,
All these strange feelings swimming round and round,
Your touch is soft like an angel,

Whenever you're here,
I can't cry nor feel any pain,
Nor do I feel rejected and lost,
Its just like you said,

'I will always be there.'

Hide from your cruelty
Try to hide for days
Hide from your lies
Your evil ways
Hunting me
Stalking me
Leave me be
Constantly beating me
Oh please set me free

I'm crying
Stop
I can't take the pain
Save me,
Save me from this torture
Before I go insane
You tell me to get up
So you can push me down once more
What do you get out of this?
What is this for?

I can beat you
I can overcome this fear
I can try to destroy you after all these years
But why is it so hard to say goodbye
To let you go?
Oh why, oh why can't I leave you
My sweet Sorrow?

"Hello"

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello

If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello I am the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry

Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday

im inside....

"Hey goth girl
What's your damage?
Why are you such a freak?"
Goth girl has no name to them
She is simply an image
A stereotype
Someone to laugh at
Doesn't goth girl have feelings?
Can't she be hurt like everyone else?
People would know if they weren't so scared
Goth girl scares people with how she looks
Makes them feel uneasy
Goth girl is different from them
She doesn't judge them
She doesn't laugh at them
(Too much)
Because goth girl is better than that
Better than them
People would know if they talked to her.

me!!!

"Don't act goth" you yell at me.
"That's not the way you want to be"

But what if it is I think I like it.
I don't care even if you hate it.

I am who I am and I always will be.
I like the way I am. Why can't you see?

You think yellin will make it go away?
That only makes me want it to stay.

You think I am wrong and you are right.
You want me to change, to "see the light"

I will not do that I will not change.
My life is mine, not yours to rearange.

I love the dark and hate the light.
I don't care if it's wrong or right.

I hope one day that you will see
this isn't a phase. I'm being me.

You can hate me I really don't mind.
Just remember it isn't very kind.

You want me out of your life. Done.
But remember you are doing this, you are the one

who tried to change my life and me.
Tried to turn me into something I didn't want to be.

One day you'll look back and finally know
this was teh way I had to go.

tired day

shit!!!!!!
capek bgt hari ini.....
i dont know why???
i try to do all the best i can do today 4 all the one i love (in the same time)
but sometimes they never understand....
tapi...mang qta gk selalu bisa dapat apa yg qt harapkan..... even a small thing ones
i only try to give every things in me to everyones...
but u know kata2 iklas is to hard to do....just easy to say....

A Second

Maybe if i never can't touch your hair today....
I don't know what the meaning of me in this world..in this minute
I know i just can lose u every second
U can walk to that door just like that...
Like every things that I lose before or walk way from me..
I know I never gone have every things in yours...
Even maybe that eyes that will look at me back.... again
i don't care is this only fake story that u told me
That i do know just when every time u sit beside me n look at me ...
i fell save n meaning to someone...
I'm sorry i often never told u about the pain
Because I just want the happy story that u know from me...
Only that I can give to thanks God for give me that second of touching your hair
Thanks for already coming to my life....
Now.... I'm going to sleep with that sleep song of yours
Hope tomorrow I can still sleep hearing the same song....

just be brave!! (ditulis di tahun yang lalu, bulannya gk jelas)

Sometime its better to be alone....because no one can hurts u...
Sometimes when u open up your heart it will broke inside....just closed it better...
And goodbye its good idea to forget the pain...
Chose the life outside others are more safely... just be an watcher to else an be a good one to everyone...try never hurts and always care also love
Heart will stoned but in other way sometimes that is the wiser step to take
U will be strong enough to survive in every way of your life
Because just believe somewhere beside this universe there is a place to go home that happiness will never end.....

Beberapa hal yang telah terbaca n di tulis in my "black world"

NB : untuk tulisan ini black ngarep di komen owkeh...

written : 08/05/08

jalan merah

Jalan kosong itu buat aku jadi semakin yakin keberadaan ku....keberadaan semua orang......
guratan yang udah terjadi di setiap sisi jalan itu kadang buat aku tersandung, tergesek ...ada yang tajam...tumpul...terasa disetiap bulu2 diatas kulit kering ini ...ups! Tiba-tiba tetes merah itupun ikut mewarnai semua warna jaln-jalan itu, semua warna hitam akhirnya tercerahkan dengan warna merah darah yang disukai semua orang yang masuk jalan itu
disukai...mmmh...memang siapa yang tidak suka dengan warna merah itu!!!!
Tidak jarang sengaja ditumpahkan atau sekedar dicoretkan disisi jalan itu agar sekedar memuaskan rasa benci akan warna hitam yang meonopoli jalan itu
Dan aku pun terasa terbawa untuk ingin menuliskan namaku dijalan itu dengan warna merah kesukaan banyak orang itu...
PUAS AKHIRNYA!!!!!!

Banyak pintu-pintu dari bangunan yang berdiri dijalan itu....tidak semua pintu-pintunya ditandai dengan nama atau simbol akan siapa-siapa saja yang sudah memasukinya dengan warna merah tadi....

Jalan itu bagus sekali....semuanya ada disana....dan sepertinya tidak akan pernah berujung, tetapi jalan hitam yang bentuknya beranjak terus keatas itu...dan semua orang yang melewatinya harus kuat mendaki untuk sampai pada ujungnya....anehnya.....
makin lama aku telusuri makin terasa menurun, apa memang hanya sebuah kamuflase untuk menipu semua orang yang masuk didalamnya...
Jalan yang terkenal dengan cerita bahwa setiap org yang masuk didalamnya akan melihat jalan yang beebeda bentuk, warna, rasa dengan setiap orang yang pernah melewatinya ...
Aneh memang....apakah ceritaku akan jalan ini pun berbeda dengan orang setelahku nanti.... tapi dari cerita sebelumnya aq bahwa memang beda sekali ..tidak ada satu deatilpun yang sama...!!!???
ADA APA DENGAN JALAN INI!!!???
Kenapa semua ingin melewati jalan ini apakah karena ingin punya cerita sendiri tentang jalan ini atau cuma ingin melihat atau mencoba saja.
Tapi dari semua cerita yang sudah aq dengar ada satu kesamaan yaitu semua pasti menulis namanya disalah satu sisi jalan ataupun diatas benda-benda yang ada sepanjang jalan itu dengan cara yang sama yaitu MEMAKAI TINTA MERAH YANG MENGENANGI SEPANJANG JALAN ITU.......

1st

my be this 1st only about me...

kata terlalu sempit menjelaskan sso
but mang kata yang wakili all
and me and all about me now its only "an blacks world"
every things is getting black now....
apa memang warna ini akan jadi warna-ku selamanya
warna yang akan kupertahankan sebagai pertahanan ku ke semua orang...
entah lah...
sekarang im an "black me" will write any things in my "blacks world"